Pausing ...

I wrote this quotation onto a sticky-note and stuck it to my printer a few months ago. I was thinking that I would potentially see it and read it every time I sit down at my desk, with the hope that it would remind me to slow down:

"Whenever you are in doubt, it is best to pause.

Few things are so pressing that 

they cannot wait for a moment of breath." 

~from Yoga of Heart by Mark Whitwell

I have just embarked upon a new path in my life, a new branch off of the main tree, a new storyline, and I truly have no idea where it will lead me, but I am hopeful of this new beginning. I have just finished 6 years of teaching Elementary school and am about to head back to school AGAIN. What am I thinking?! I know, I know ... it's a bit crazy, but also very exciting!

A photo from my trip to Florida this past Spring Break

I was going to jump full speed ahead and take a course this summer. Then, about a week before the course was supposed to start, I received the syllabus from the instructor. Panic Attack. Here's what went through my head almost immediately after reviewing the syllabus: "What was I thinking when I decided to take a class this summer? I'm not ready to work in groups with people I don't know. I'm not ready to write papers or do projects. I can't go straight from teaching to jumping right into school. This is insane. I can't do this."

Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. That's what yoga has taught me to do in these situations.

I looked up from my computer and read the quotation on my printer: "Whenever you are in doubt, it is best to pause..." Yes, pause. What would that be like? How would that be different than barreling ahead, as I have always done in the past, without any regard for my feelings or intuition? 

Well, as I sat there pondering what to do, I was fairly certain I had seen one of these outcomes before, and it didn't look anything as fun and relaxing as this...

I was pretty sure that barreling ahead would end up with me looking a lot like this instead:

That wasn't exactly the outcome I was hoping for as I began my new journey, so I decided to drop the class and allow myself time to relax and recuperate. What a concept! Seriously though, this is a HUGE step for me!

Instead of stressing about summer school, I am embracing my opportunities to teach yoga this summer! If you are interested in coming to a yoga class and live in the area, I am teaching Fridays from 4:15-5:30pm until mid-September. I am also teaching Monday mornings from 10:30-11:45am, temporarily until July 22nd. Please check out the Heart of Yoga School's website for more information (http://heartofyogaschool.com/). If you click on "Teachers" at the top, you can read my bio, and if you click on "Schedule," you can see all of the amazing classes that are offered!

I am still learning how to embrace my opportunities to pause and take a breath, but I am thankful to have realized this time that I needed to listen to what my intuition was telling me.

Stop. Pause. Take a breath. Slow down.

Listen. Wait. Enjoy this moment. Smell the flowers. Be present. There is no need to barrel ahead.

The three A's ...

I went to the dentist recently for my bi-annual check up. I have been having sensitivity to cold on the teeth on the left side of my mouth, so I mentioned that when they asked if I'd been having any problems. The dental hygienist said my teeth looked great, but my dentist said that the sensitivity was probably caused by grinding my teeth. I was pretty sure I didn't grind my teeth, but I had noticed that I had these pinholes in the tops of my molars, and I was thinking that I had tons of cavities (panic!). Instead, my dentist told me that the pinholes were probably caused by clenching my jaw or teeth while I was sleeping, and this is what was contributing to the sensitivity in my teeth.

So, over the past month, I have been paying close attention to the amount of time during the day that I spend clenching or holding my jaw/teeth. It's been an amazing revelation! Or rather, maybe a sad revelation...I clench my jaw ALL THE TIME. I had no idea. How is it possible to do something all the time and have no insight into your behavior? That's a revelation. Awareness. Acceptance. Action.

Awareness:
Dentist: Do you clench your jaw?
Me: Well, that's certainly a possibility.

Then, I start to notice that I clench my jaw during the day when I'm stressed or anxious and at night when I'm sleeping. Woah.

Acceptance:
I clench my jaw all the time. Okay, clearly I need to find another way to handle the tension that I am now keeping in my clenched jaw.

Action:
Relax. Move my mouth and jaw around at random times just to see how tense it is. Check in with my jaw. Tell it to relax.

Okay, now what? Where does all that tension from clenching my teeth go? I have a feeling that it goes into my body somewhere else or possibly comes out as an emotion that I don't want to face right now (like sadness).

What I have realized, through yoga, book reading, and many other avenues in my life, is that we hold our pain/frustration/worry/hurt/sadness (etc.) in our body somewhere. If we do not resolve or work through these difficult feelings/emotions/situations, the body becomes sick (headache, hives, sinus infection, even cancer). Working through difficulties in our lives can be overwhelming and seem impossible at times. Sometimes I hate it. I hate feeling my feelings. But I guess what I am learning is that it's better to figure these things out now. I'd rather work on not clenching my jaw and figuring how a better way to handle my stress and anxiety than have to replace my teeth with dentures at age 40.

Awareness. Acceptance. Action.

A little "letting go" goes a long way...

I have been in a bit of a panic over the past week, after interviewing for a doctorate program at UNC-CH that I'd really like to get into for this upcoming fall. I was in a state of limbo, not really knowing how I did on the phone interview and if I would get accepted or rejected.

In case you haven't experienced a phone interview in your adult life, I'll just tell you that it's one of the most difficult situations I have ever been through; it's EXTREMELY different from an in-person interview. During an in-person interview you can see the other person's facial expressions and body language, and they can see yours. Over the phone, that element of sending and receiving messages via body language is not there. You have to be very clear about your intent, and you have to sound very knowledgeable and sure of yourself. You have to enter the conversation, from the moment you answer the phone, with complete confidence in yourself and your goals. That's not easy.

But I was reminded earlier this week, and particularly in a conversation with a friend last night, that we have control over NOTHING outside of ourselves. Pondering what MIGHT happen, or worrying about what I'll do if it DOESN'T happen, doesn't change the circumstances or the outcome. How often do you spend hours and hours planning your future only to find out that what you thought was going to happen actually doesn't happen?! And what you didn't even think was possible is suddenly placed in front of you as a very real opportunity?!

Letting go of control is directly intertwined with being open to those random, seemingly impossible opportunities that suddenly become a very real part of your life. Last night I decided that I needed to journal on letting go. I needed to be open to whatever the universe (or God or whatever you want to call that higher spiritual being) had in store for me, even if it wasn't the direction I "thought" my life needed to go in.

It's a huge leap of faith ... and takes a lot of LETTING GO OF CONTROL.

Sometimes what you want for your life is exactly what the universe has in store for you too. Letting go of the outcome last night before bed allowed that opportunity to come through without any of my own expectations, attachments, and desires. Then, it could actually just be a pure acceptance of what comes...(no matter what "it" is...)

"Welcome back to school!"

I drew this a few weeks ago, but it seems fitting right now: "Miraculous Gratitude."

I need a change...

I have been struggling with changing the function and purpose of this blog for the past couple of months. I have been trying to decide if I want to delete this blog and begin a new one or just change the path of this blog. I'm still not sure what my ultimate goal or decision is going to be, but for now, I can't let go of this particular space so I'm just going to shift the direction a little.

When I first began this blog, I had tons of time to take pictures and tons of time to update a blog. The use of my time has changed quite a bit over the past four years. And as that has changed, you have seen fewer and fewer posts over a longer and longer period of time. My last post was over 6 months ago at this point, and I have nothing exciting to say about what has happened since then. Not only that, I'm not sure I want to discuss what's happening explicitly in my life right now anyway. Who cares, right?! Ultimately we are all just trying to live our lives the best we can every day.

What I have found more interesting in my life at this point is to focus on little pieces of wisdom that I have learned through yoga or life as a teacher or just life in general. I'm not exactly sure how to share these moments with you because I have rarely done that here, in this space, and sometimes it is difficult to put words to these small moments of gratitude or little lights of revelation that appear in my life.

One thing that I have thought about a lot over the past year is how to accept myself and other people just as they are. Not as they were yesterday or a year ago ... but as they are at this moment in time, right now. First I have to learn how to accept myself as I am right now, which can be VERY difficult. My tendency, and maybe our culture's tendency, is to constantly criticize ourselves and evaluate how we could do better at whatever it is that we our doing, whether it is our job, or our yoga practice, or our relationships, or anything else in our lives. In order to accept myself as I am right now, I have to be LESS critical and judgmental and MORE accepting. It's not always easy. But I will tell you that it is much easier to accept others as they are when I am able to be more accepting of myself.

I have been told (and I have experienced it for myself): acceptance is the key to serenity.

Sometimes it simply takes being willing and able to say something like: I accept myself as I am and I accept others as they are. We are all doing the best we can.

Sometimes it means being willing and able to say that over and over again until we actually believe it. Sometimes it takes days or weeks or years to believe these things, just like it took years to cultivate an attitude of judgment toward ourselves and others. Acceptance is the key to serenity. Acceptance is the key to serenity...

A story, in photos, of my summer travels...

Chicago

 

 At O'Hare airport ... really?

A little shoe shopping...

...and riding the El...

Out to a fancy dinner...

and to Southport for a few drinks...

 

and then a delicious breakfast!

 

Bike riding in Naples, Florida with my dad

"Bucktiva" in Captiva, FL - A "family" vacation

...with Tara before our first night out...

 

 all the girls with Chris (Mr. Bucktiva himself)!

Carlos & Marsha (friends of Nora & Julio)

Kat & Mark

aren't we so beautifully colorful?

 

one final pose before leaving the Mucky Duck!

and a mushroom cloud!!

reading and relaxing with our favorite celebrities...

No caption needed for this lovely picture after our dinner at the Bubble Room! :)

or this one for that matter...lol!

the birthday girl and her hubby

Nora, Kat & Mark stole my camera for these pictures...such a nice surprise...

The pool day 2... log rolling!

The end of another lovely day in paradise...